Shiva for Hunter

It was a love fest.   From the moment I walked into Ha’s place, I felt the warmth of the group.  Even though there were several people I had not met, I felt welcomed and put at ease with everyone for several of the guests were making a point of greeting and engaging in conversations with those of us who were fairly new to the family and friends.

The day was perfect: sunny with an occasional white cloud drifting by.  Lovely balmy weather, with a soft breeze.  It was like the weather been planned especially for a celebration of Hunter’s life.   Beautiful people gathered together for a beautiful honoring of the life of our dearly beloved Hunter.  There was a lot of laughter remembering his witty comments, and pleasure in recalling the great memories we had.   Ha and Barbra moved gracefully through the group consoling all of us, more concerned for our comfort than asking for commiseration from us. 

Also, I don’t know who they were, but the best cooks in the area  brought wonderful food for us to eat, honoring the great chef himself.  There was an abundant amount of hearty, delicious cooked dishes and refreshing fruits and a beautiful little cake we shared as we sang Happy Birthday to Hunter, who had just moved into his 56^th year.  It felt as if he were with us holding Ha’s hand as we saluted him.  That was one of my most cherished memories of him, of his great love for Ha, having her close beside him as he read his poetry and her quiet presence supporting him.

And to my dearest friend Barbra, who has gone through the valley of darkness too, while she gave her boundless love and energy to support Ha’s and Hunter’s brave efforts to beat the odds.  I am so proud she is my good friend.  There was never a moment of “poor me” but only courage and the willingness to help whenever there was a need, day and night.

Nearing the end of the gathering of family and friends, Barbra asked us to join her in reading the Mourner’s Kaddish, a beautiful closing prayer.

Frances Elliott

July 17, 2011

Adieu, My Brooklyn Toughness

Hunter has departed to a new sojourn on July 6, 2011 at 2:55 pm.  Beside his very unique character, he packed and carried along the love for him from family and friends and care from people that we’d come across since he had been diagnosed with liver cancer in March 2010.   A tough departure at the beginning but toward the end it became as peaceful as it should have been.  This post is my good bye to my Brooklyn toughness husband and also a dear friend Hunter.

Hunter liked to call himself “a guy from Brooklyn” although he left the East Coast years ago and moved with his parents to Marin County when he was a young boy.  He did have a Brooklyn accent though and people would recognize it when they spoke with him especially when he was doing demos in the stores before he was forced to be a full-time cancer fighter.  He didn’t like the wordings that people would often use such as “battle,” “fighting,” “combat,” etc., so when we started this blog he called it a Sojourn of Living With Cancer.   I liked it too as the word “sojourn” reflects our fear, hope, and destiny.  Oh my dear husband.  How much he wanted to live!  

Everyone wanted to know how we met and ER doctor was not an exception.  When I brought Hunter to the VA Hospital in San Francisco two weeks ago, the ER doctor looked up and asked Hunter why he was examining his abdomen “How did you two meet?”  He asked in a very natural way that Hunter paused for a second as our love affair might have had something to do with the course of treatment. 

They, the doctors, came up with a combination of PO and IV given every two hours for pain control.  The graveyard shift nurse was a young girl coming to California from Wisconsin to pursue her nursing career.   She took such a good care of Hunter and stayed on top of the pain schedules.  Coming in the room every two hours, at 3 o’clock in the morning, she suddenly asked Hunter while giving him the shot “How did you meet her?” and shook her head toward me who was resting in a malfunctioning recliner in the corner of the room.  I pretended sleeping while listening to Hunter whispering to her his love story with me in it and tried to hide my smile.  The girl in turn told Hunter about her boyfriend and that they were very serious and getting married soon.   Three o’clock in the morning, darkness, hospital room, pain, Dilaudid shot, and love stories.  It reminded me of Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky.  It’s was beautiful though!

Hunter wasn’t afraid to say “I am a good man!”  When Chaplain Steve came by, he put his hand against Hunter’s belly right where the liver was and said “You’re a good man.  I know it’s hard to understand but…”  Hunter was right on “I thought it’s very easy to understand.”  We all laughed.  My husband.  What a funny man he was! 

And he took off.  Just like that, simple, low key.  As he had written:

Before I sleep my thoughts drift
through the days moments
joy and pain
within me and not
in hope upon dawns break
I can again
-6/2007

Adieu, Mon Amour.

Hunter Austin Born June 29th, 1955

It was Wednesday July 6, 2011 at 2:55 PM that my son Hunter drifted peacefully into what he called "The Big Sleep".

In his last hours he was surrounded in love by his nearest and dearest family and friends.  Ha his wife,  the love of his life, his Mom Barbra, his Sister Alex and her partner Sara, his first cousin Craig and Craig's wife Sharon,  his best friend, Marvin and a dear friend Ray.

The musical strains of "Golden bowls of Compassion" (by Karma Moffett) softly enveloped us. We held his hand, smoothed his hair, kissed him and told him of our love as he  gently went to a place where there is only peace.

Hunter will be cremated.  Some ashes will be scattered to the wind at his (and Ha's)  favorite hilltop meditation spot.  The rest will be given to family members.  He also asked that some should be scattered in New Hampshire where he spent his childhood summers.  Ha and I will make the trip one day soon.

Amir, Hunter's 5 yr. old nephew (Alex's son) said "I will take 2 ashes and throw them in the ocean and keep some in my magic wishing box high on the shelf in my room. "  He loved his Uncle Hunter.

Barbra

6/29/55 - 7/6/11

After an amazing life-loving battle and blowing the averages out of the water, my bigger than life big brother passed away on July 6, 2011 or the 4th of Tamuz, 5771 according to the Jewish calendar.

He died as peacefully as we could have hoped. Enveloped with love. Held every step of the way.

The love of his life, his wife Ha, did not leave his side from the time he went into the hospital on Monday morning until his passing on Wednesday afternoon. Our mom, Barbara, was also there keeping us all connected as only she could. She was busy making sure their sweet cats were fed, fighting with nursing staff to get him properly medicated and being the matriarch of the mishbucha (family in Yiddish). My partner, Sarah, and I were also there keeping vigil since Monday morning, bringing love, comfort and food to everyone as best we could. Our cousin, Craig, was there until the end too. He put his busy life on hold to be part of this process. His strength and tenderness was amazing. Our cousin, Sharon, also came to be with us, which meant so much to everyone. Hunter's best friend Marvin arrived on Wednesday afternoon and bid his farewell to his dear friend. We were all so grateful that we had time to show him how unconditionally he was loved and to say goodbye.

For the last few hours of his life we held him, literally. Each person (Ha, Mom, Craig, Sarah and I) each were touching some part of him. A hand, a foot, his head or each other. It reminded me of the tradition at our synagogue where everyone at Shabbat, during the blessing over the bread, either touches the challah or touches someone who’s touching the challah. The humor would not be lost on Hunter that he was the challah!

Humor was, in fact, something he had up until the very end. When the doctor came in to explain the process to him on Wednesday morning, she noted that he would most likely drift off into a sleep like state. With a little wink in his eye and wry smile on his lips he looked up and said “The BIG Sleep!” Which happened to be one of his favorite Humphrey Bogart films.

In his last days he expressed so much love for his family and friends. He loved and adored his nephew, Amir, and was so grateful to get to spend time with him on June 29^th, his 56^th birthday. He also told me of his great love for his youngest cousins; Ari, Talia, Elana, Zachary and Wyatt and all of their parents and their loving and wonderful Grandparents, our Aunt Rhoda and Uncle Stan.

As a family we are also very thankful and grateful for the care he got at the San Francisco Veteran’s Hospital. Especially his Oncologist, Dr. Katie Kelley and his GP/Palliative Care Doctor, Dr. Barbara Drye.

He left his body without pain while listening to his favorite music, Karma Moffet’s Golden Bowls of Compassion. Being held and loved by those whose love for him was limitless.